It's Darkest Before the Dawn

One of the primary reasons I decided that I needed to get help was because I having pretty intense thoughts of suicide.  I don't want to die.  I do still enjoy life for the most part.  But some part of me, some small, vicious and melancholy monster in me, keeps feeding my sub-conscious these incredibly negative and destructive thoughts. I know it crossed my mind in oh-so-brief flashes before, but the other week it got pretty intense.  
We were at the beach, and I stopped to sit for a bit.  Where I had stopped was at the top of a cliff over looking the ocean.  I sat and thought "I could just walk off that cliff.  Nothing would hurt anymore.  Nothing would cause me anymore pain.".  Then I got really frightened.  How could I even consider that? I couldn't do that to my husband, to my family, to my best friend. So, I worked up the courage to get help.  


After being on my new medication for a few days, I had an intense dream about ending it again.  This time I waited until everyone went to work and I gathered up all the medication in the house.  I wrote letters, I got showered and dressed.  I laid in my bed and took dozens of pills.  I went to sleep and no one found me for many hours and by then it was too late.  The worst bit of this dream was that I could not make it stop.  I woke up and was aware of what I was thinking but I couldn't make it stop.  I had to pinch myself and drag myself out of bed.  That was pretty terrifying.  It felt like this monster was winning.  I didn't know how to defeat it because I don't feel like I can discuss this with anyone.  Sure I can say I'm sad and I'm scared and I need help.  But to tell them  I've thought about ending my life? No.  That's too much for them.  My best friend lost her little brother two years ago to suicide.  I couldn't ask her to consider the agony of that again.


I went to visit my doctor today.  She's increased my dosage and arranged for me to meet with a councillor. I do think that will help me.  I just wish that it could be over already. That I didn't have to wait 12 months to be me again.  I'm trying to stay positive but with dreams like those, that becomes a struggle.