When is there progress?

Am I ever going to be better?

I feel like I'm not going to...  every day is a struggle in some way.  It's a struggle to get up in the morning.  It's a struggle to get myself into the shower.  It's a struggle to get dressed or put on make up.  It's a struggle to eat right or do anything outside of the house.  It's a struggle to just deal with the people in my house when all I really feel like doing is to curl up in bed and sleep or maybe read a book.

I've been breaking my doctors appointments lately too.  I know I need to go.  I know that I really have to see the doctor before I am on this new medication for too long to make sure she's happy with my progress.  It's getting there that is the problem.  At first it was just because I was scared to drive - this new medication is really affecting my concentration.  I can't focus and I've caught myself doing some pretty stupid shit behind the wheel.  I like to think I'm responsible enough not to put myself and everyone else on the road in danger by driving, especially on the motorway, so I try to only drive when I have to.  It's about an hour to my doctors office so that's a bit much... or maybe it's just an excuse not to do something.  I don't even know anymore.

A Place to Get Help

Below is a new site developed by the Australian government to assist those struggling with mental health.  It provides support for individuals, carers and health professionals.  I've found some really useful tools and links on this site.  You should check it out.

https://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/

Starting all over again

It's been a while since my last post.  Really, a lot has happened in my unexciting life.  

I had been thinking that my depression was getting better, but it turns out I was wrong.  I did feel better, but after many discussions with my therapist and my doctor, it seems like I believed I was getting better because I wanted to be getting better.  I wanted to be able to tell my husband and those around me that I was making progress, so I believed that I was.

Nothing wrong with that, you might think.  So did I, until I could feel myself slipping backwards.  I began by feeling a bit flat.  Kind of, well, blah, really.  Then I started feeling sad a lot of the time, for no real reason.  I noticed that I couldn't feel happy, even when something good happened.  I didn't feel excitement.  I didn't laugh.  I brought this up with my doctor and she suggested that we change the medication I was on to a different type.  

I've detoxed from the first medication and now I've started the second.  I haven't had any strong side effects other than being much more awake than before and having developed a ravenous appetite of an evening.  Hopefully this makes an actual difference in the way I feel and perceive my life.  For the moment, I'm starting the entire treatment system over again.  At least I've got a few methods to help me deal with my day to day life.

I haven't told my parents yet.  Or most of my family.  Really I've only got my husband and my best friend to talk to about this.  I would like to tell my parents and my in-laws, but it's finding the right moment and just beginning the conversation.  I don't mind talking about it - I don't feel ashamed that I've got this disease - I just don't want to make them feel uncomfortable I guess.

Why is it that I can discuss my problems and issues with those I barely know, but I keep the people I love the most completely in the dark?

Depression Regression

I am failing in my battles.

I have fallen into the darkness again and it has become a more frightening place than before.  What terrifies me is that I feel insecure that my ability to resist suicide is failing as well.  What if I cannot make it through this time?  What if I cannot win this battle?  My husband has noticed the change. He's scared and he doesn't know how to help me.  And I can't explain it, because I don't know the answer myself.  I wish I did.

My doctor is concerned that because I've used the generic version of my prescription, I might not be getting the most out of my medication.  Obviously, the first step is to get the branded version of the drug.  

I've still been sleeping an awful lot.  Sometimes 18 hours a day.  Not that I mind a sleep in, but this is really out of the ordinary for me.  Normally I'm a 6-9 hour sleeper.  And because I'm sleeping during the day - sometimes till late afternoon - I find it difficult to go to bed at a regular time and I'm up until late - 4am yesterday. It's become a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it.  More drugs?  I don't like having to take lots of drugs.  I'd rather manage it without.  But I just don't see how that would happen.

The last time I spoke to my doctor and to my counsellor they were both pleased with my progress.  Part of me feels like I'm putting on a show, pretending to be getting better when I'm not. I feel like they're expecting me to improve, so I tell them that I am.  Have I been deluded this whole time? These past two months when I was improving, was I not?  I don't even know what to think.  How can one understand one's own mind when the mind is not in a healthy state?  I feel so lost at the moment.  

I missed a doctors appointment today too.  I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I know that I need to reschedule.  I just have trouble getting myself to do anything at all.  I need to find some will power.  Some encouragement.  Something positive to help me survive this ordeal.

I need help.   

Am I Moving Backwards?

I had felt that I was getting better, truly better.  


I thought I was making progress and I was beating this thing that is inside my head.


Now I'm not sure.  I don't know that I feel that way any more.  Most days lately I don't think that I am.  I feel low.  I feel the dark cloud is sitting over my head again.  I'm being stalked by a  dark beast of anger and sadness. I feel alone and lonely and bored and just so ... un-me.


I find myself frustrated all the time and I just can't sort myself out.  Therapy has been helping, or at least, it had been helping.  When I left my therapist, I usually felt better.  But lately, not so much. 


I find I've been sleeping all the time - 12 to 14 hours a day.  Not that I mind a lazy day, but it's to the point that I'd rather sleep than get up.  I struggle to get myself into the shower or to eat something.  I'm meant to be looking for work, but I often find myself saying, why bother? What's the point? No one is going to hire me.  Why should I go to work? 


I don't like myself much at the moment.  I want to tell my friends and my family what is wrong with me, but I can't.  I have a few support measures in place, it's true.  But, I haven't spoken to my parents.  Or my brother.  Or most of my friends.  I don't know where to start that conversation.  Hi mom. How are things? By the way, I'm clinically depressed and on drugs again.  Oh and I'm in therapy.  Yes, the weather is lovely.  Yeah right.


I know, looking at the situation objectively, that I need to find a project or hobby or some task to keep my mind busy.  If I had a job, even part time, at least I'd be able to keep my mind from over thinking every little thing all the time.  But I don't and with the head space I'm in, it's really hard to find something.  I know I'm probably repeating myself a dozen different ways, but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. 


Maybe I can find a support group on line.  It might be ok to chat with some people and just know that I'm not alone in going through this.   I'd be happy for anyone reading this to leave a comment.  Or ask a question, or anything.  Clearly I'm pretty happy to discuss depression and what is happening to me. 

The Broken Parts

I've discovered that the parts of me that need fixing the most are my self esteem and my way to deal with anxiety. 
I recently went to look for a new job. I was driving along and I started to feel very stressed. I didn't know how to calm myself down. I got more and more panicked.  I started to cry and my hands were shaking.
I think it was a matter of me not having the self confidence to actually apply for work. The thought of being the new person, of learning a new role and working five days a week was terrifying. 
I need to find a job that will make me happy. Something that wont cause me a lot of stress and will be rewarding.  A job I can look forward to each morning and will be fulfilling. 
I'm not sure exactly what that is yet or when I'll be ready to find it but I'd like to know sooner rather than later.
I'd like to find a way to feel better about myself and feel more confidence.  I'm not sure how to do that.  How to change the way I think about myself.  How to think that what I am is good enough.

How It All Began

There are a lot of reasons I'm depressed.  The first time I was diagnosed, I was 18.  I was going through a lot of stuff at home, my grandparents were all sick and my mother was angry all the time. My father was away for work as he often was. I was finishing high school and trying to sort out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
My doctor gave me medication and left me to it. No follow up, no suggestions of meeting with a psychologist, nothing.  Needless to say, I wasn't surprised to realise I was depressed again.
About six years ago, I moved to another country.  I had only my husband and his family, no one who I had grown up knowing. I get lonely, especially around holidays and anniversaries.  I didn't finish the degree I was nearly done with and I haven't gotten the chance to finish it yet.
Two years ago, I lost my last remaining Grandmother, who was a tremendous part of shaping me as a person.  Being away from my family made dealing with that loss very difficult.  At the same time, my best friend's little brother hung himself.  I'd thought of him as family, and it was really hard to reconcile myself to his death.
Last year my husband and I sought assistance to start a family. It turns out we won't be able to naturally conceive our own baby.  There is a strong possibility that we won't have a child who biologically belongs to the two of us.
Recently I chose to leave my job because it was stressful, unfulfilling and paid nothing.  I thought I'd be able to find a job within a month or two - six months later I'm still unemployed and we're living with my in-laws.  I've got little space to call my own and I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells trying not to irritate or upset anyone.
I felt like I was drowning.  I didn't know who to turn to.  I couldn't get myself out of bed.  I would cry or fly into a rage at the drop of a  hat.  It was like being lost in a dark cave where every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of light, just enough to convince me that there were happy people out there.  I just couldn't see myself being one of them again.
I started to have suicidal thoughts.  I didn't think there was any point to my being alive.  I considered pills.  I considered jumping off a cliff.  I considered slitting my wrists in a bathtub.  Every time, I pictured my husbands reaction.  So I didn't take any action.  I couldn't hurt him that way.  He had always been so supportive - I couldn't cause him that much pain.
It's because of my husband that I've gotten the support I needed to take steps towards my recovery.  I love him immensely and I know how lucky I am to have him.

A little light

So, I've been to meet with my therapist.  She seems nice. And easy to talk to, which is important I guess. 
After we met I decided that I really did need to find something useful to do with my time, so I've finally volunteered at the dog rescue shelter.  I start in a couple of days. For the first time in ages, I'm actually excited about something. That in itself is incredible. 

It really does feel like I'm making some progress. I even feel a little proud of myself.

It's Darkest Before the Dawn

One of the primary reasons I decided that I needed to get help was because I having pretty intense thoughts of suicide.  I don't want to die.  I do still enjoy life for the most part.  But some part of me, some small, vicious and melancholy monster in me, keeps feeding my sub-conscious these incredibly negative and destructive thoughts. I know it crossed my mind in oh-so-brief flashes before, but the other week it got pretty intense.  
We were at the beach, and I stopped to sit for a bit.  Where I had stopped was at the top of a cliff over looking the ocean.  I sat and thought "I could just walk off that cliff.  Nothing would hurt anymore.  Nothing would cause me anymore pain.".  Then I got really frightened.  How could I even consider that? I couldn't do that to my husband, to my family, to my best friend. So, I worked up the courage to get help.  


After being on my new medication for a few days, I had an intense dream about ending it again.  This time I waited until everyone went to work and I gathered up all the medication in the house.  I wrote letters, I got showered and dressed.  I laid in my bed and took dozens of pills.  I went to sleep and no one found me for many hours and by then it was too late.  The worst bit of this dream was that I could not make it stop.  I woke up and was aware of what I was thinking but I couldn't make it stop.  I had to pinch myself and drag myself out of bed.  That was pretty terrifying.  It felt like this monster was winning.  I didn't know how to defeat it because I don't feel like I can discuss this with anyone.  Sure I can say I'm sad and I'm scared and I need help.  But to tell them  I've thought about ending my life? No.  That's too much for them.  My best friend lost her little brother two years ago to suicide.  I couldn't ask her to consider the agony of that again.


I went to visit my doctor today.  She's increased my dosage and arranged for me to meet with a councillor. I do think that will help me.  I just wish that it could be over already. That I didn't have to wait 12 months to be me again.  I'm trying to stay positive but with dreams like those, that becomes a struggle.  

Another Monday

Is it strange that I least look forward to the weekends? Everyone is home but I rarely want anything to do with them. It feels like they're invading on my space and I find myself feeling crowded and panicky. It's sad really. I spend the week feeling lonely and then when there are people I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning deciding that I was going to do something useful with my day. I coloured my hair and gave myself bangs (whether that was a good decision or not, is yet to be determined). I watched a movie but I couldn't get myself to leave the house. I thought about it. A lot. I got dressed but I haven't done my make up. I argued with myself for a few hours and then I gave up. Clearly going outside is too hard today. Maybe I'll be able to go tomorrow.

I've been thinking about maybe doing some volunteer work so that I have some sort of commitment outside the house. It would be good to get out. Good to meet some other people. But it seems like that's going to be another one of those things I'll just think about for ages and never actually action.

Thinking about how sad my behaviour is makes me feel sad. I feel bad for this person I've become. How did she get this way? Has life really been so terrible? Do any of the disappointments, losses or choices really warrant this level of sad? Has she truly been such a failure? A little part of me likes to think no. Then the rest of me says yes. It's been too much.

Funny how I tend to go through this cycle of thought each Monday. It's not necessarily a dark day but its a low day. A rainy gray type of day, that just brings me down. How nice it would be for these days to be a rarity rather than the norm.

My first day

Yesterday I finally gathered enough courage to get help for my depression. I'd been trying to manage it on my own, not wanting to admit to others that I had an issue. That was the hardest part, when the doctor asked me what she could help me with. Saying "I need help managing depression" was the hardest thing I've had to say in a really long time. But, my doctor was really positive. She listened well to what was wrong and asked me many questions. I was as honest as I could be, and now we've started a plan to get me well again. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that I can get through, but I know that today I'm having a good day, so it's easy to be positive. If I'm having a bad day, a dark day as I think of them, then it's infinitely harder.

I've started medication and I'll be meeting with a counsellor in a week or so to start learning how to manage my disease. It's the second time I've been diagnosed with depression, but the first doctor was hands off, asked me no questions and just gave me medication with a years worth of refills. It was never addressed again.

So far, I haven't noticed much of a change. Then again, I only started the meds last night, so I wasn't really expecting anything. I know it will be a few weeks before things really change. I do feel a bit out of sorts. I can't really concentrate and I loose focus - I went to do the laundry and forgot to get the dirty clothes. Things that are only small, but rather unlike myself.

I know that I can beat this. I just have to remind myself of that on the dark days.