Depression Regression

I am failing in my battles.

I have fallen into the darkness again and it has become a more frightening place than before.  What terrifies me is that I feel insecure that my ability to resist suicide is failing as well.  What if I cannot make it through this time?  What if I cannot win this battle?  My husband has noticed the change. He's scared and he doesn't know how to help me.  And I can't explain it, because I don't know the answer myself.  I wish I did.

My doctor is concerned that because I've used the generic version of my prescription, I might not be getting the most out of my medication.  Obviously, the first step is to get the branded version of the drug.  

I've still been sleeping an awful lot.  Sometimes 18 hours a day.  Not that I mind a sleep in, but this is really out of the ordinary for me.  Normally I'm a 6-9 hour sleeper.  And because I'm sleeping during the day - sometimes till late afternoon - I find it difficult to go to bed at a regular time and I'm up until late - 4am yesterday. It's become a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it.  More drugs?  I don't like having to take lots of drugs.  I'd rather manage it without.  But I just don't see how that would happen.

The last time I spoke to my doctor and to my counsellor they were both pleased with my progress.  Part of me feels like I'm putting on a show, pretending to be getting better when I'm not. I feel like they're expecting me to improve, so I tell them that I am.  Have I been deluded this whole time? These past two months when I was improving, was I not?  I don't even know what to think.  How can one understand one's own mind when the mind is not in a healthy state?  I feel so lost at the moment.  

I missed a doctors appointment today too.  I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I know that I need to reschedule.  I just have trouble getting myself to do anything at all.  I need to find some will power.  Some encouragement.  Something positive to help me survive this ordeal.

I need help.   

Am I Moving Backwards?

I had felt that I was getting better, truly better.  


I thought I was making progress and I was beating this thing that is inside my head.


Now I'm not sure.  I don't know that I feel that way any more.  Most days lately I don't think that I am.  I feel low.  I feel the dark cloud is sitting over my head again.  I'm being stalked by a  dark beast of anger and sadness. I feel alone and lonely and bored and just so ... un-me.


I find myself frustrated all the time and I just can't sort myself out.  Therapy has been helping, or at least, it had been helping.  When I left my therapist, I usually felt better.  But lately, not so much. 


I find I've been sleeping all the time - 12 to 14 hours a day.  Not that I mind a lazy day, but it's to the point that I'd rather sleep than get up.  I struggle to get myself into the shower or to eat something.  I'm meant to be looking for work, but I often find myself saying, why bother? What's the point? No one is going to hire me.  Why should I go to work? 


I don't like myself much at the moment.  I want to tell my friends and my family what is wrong with me, but I can't.  I have a few support measures in place, it's true.  But, I haven't spoken to my parents.  Or my brother.  Or most of my friends.  I don't know where to start that conversation.  Hi mom. How are things? By the way, I'm clinically depressed and on drugs again.  Oh and I'm in therapy.  Yes, the weather is lovely.  Yeah right.


I know, looking at the situation objectively, that I need to find a project or hobby or some task to keep my mind busy.  If I had a job, even part time, at least I'd be able to keep my mind from over thinking every little thing all the time.  But I don't and with the head space I'm in, it's really hard to find something.  I know I'm probably repeating myself a dozen different ways, but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. 


Maybe I can find a support group on line.  It might be ok to chat with some people and just know that I'm not alone in going through this.   I'd be happy for anyone reading this to leave a comment.  Or ask a question, or anything.  Clearly I'm pretty happy to discuss depression and what is happening to me.