I have fallen into the darkness again and it has become a more frightening place than before. What terrifies me is that I feel insecure that my ability to resist suicide is failing as well. What if I cannot make it through this time? What if I cannot win this battle? My husband has noticed the change. He's scared and he doesn't know how to help me. And I can't explain it, because I don't know the answer myself. I wish I did.
My doctor is concerned that because I've used the generic version of my prescription, I might not be getting the most out of my medication. Obviously, the first step is to get the branded version of the drug.
I've still been sleeping an awful lot. Sometimes 18 hours a day. Not that I mind a sleep in, but this is really out of the ordinary for me. Normally I'm a 6-9 hour sleeper. And because I'm sleeping during the day - sometimes till late afternoon - I find it difficult to go to bed at a regular time and I'm up until late - 4am yesterday. It's become a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it. More drugs? I don't like having to take lots of drugs. I'd rather manage it without. But I just don't see how that would happen.
The last time I spoke to my doctor and to my counsellor they were both pleased with my progress. Part of me feels like I'm putting on a show, pretending to be getting better when I'm not. I feel like they're expecting me to improve, so I tell them that I am. Have I been deluded this whole time? These past two months when I was improving, was I not? I don't even know what to think. How can one understand one's own mind when the mind is not in a healthy state? I feel so lost at the moment.
I missed a doctors appointment today too. I just couldn't bring myself to go. I know that I need to reschedule. I just have trouble getting myself to do anything at all. I need to find some will power. Some encouragement. Something positive to help me survive this ordeal.
I need help.
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