Am I Moving Backwards?

I had felt that I was getting better, truly better.  


I thought I was making progress and I was beating this thing that is inside my head.


Now I'm not sure.  I don't know that I feel that way any more.  Most days lately I don't think that I am.  I feel low.  I feel the dark cloud is sitting over my head again.  I'm being stalked by a  dark beast of anger and sadness. I feel alone and lonely and bored and just so ... un-me.


I find myself frustrated all the time and I just can't sort myself out.  Therapy has been helping, or at least, it had been helping.  When I left my therapist, I usually felt better.  But lately, not so much. 


I find I've been sleeping all the time - 12 to 14 hours a day.  Not that I mind a lazy day, but it's to the point that I'd rather sleep than get up.  I struggle to get myself into the shower or to eat something.  I'm meant to be looking for work, but I often find myself saying, why bother? What's the point? No one is going to hire me.  Why should I go to work? 


I don't like myself much at the moment.  I want to tell my friends and my family what is wrong with me, but I can't.  I have a few support measures in place, it's true.  But, I haven't spoken to my parents.  Or my brother.  Or most of my friends.  I don't know where to start that conversation.  Hi mom. How are things? By the way, I'm clinically depressed and on drugs again.  Oh and I'm in therapy.  Yes, the weather is lovely.  Yeah right.


I know, looking at the situation objectively, that I need to find a project or hobby or some task to keep my mind busy.  If I had a job, even part time, at least I'd be able to keep my mind from over thinking every little thing all the time.  But I don't and with the head space I'm in, it's really hard to find something.  I know I'm probably repeating myself a dozen different ways, but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. 


Maybe I can find a support group on line.  It might be ok to chat with some people and just know that I'm not alone in going through this.   I'd be happy for anyone reading this to leave a comment.  Or ask a question, or anything.  Clearly I'm pretty happy to discuss depression and what is happening to me.